As with so many of my previous outings and big events, I like to look at those experiences and try to see how my perspectives have changed and what I’ve learned about myself. With my recent trip to the Twin Cities to visit my friend Hannah and the MN-T Girls group, my views have definitely changed and I certainty have learned quite a lot about myself from such a huge opportunity.
One of the big things I noticed looking back (especially compared to the first time I ever went out in public) was how relaxed and excited I was. In previous occasions, I used to work myself up so much, mentally and physically, about heading out in public, worrying about the general public and what they thought. But by the time I was due to meet Hannah at a nice restaurant in downtown Minneapolis on a Friday night, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was more excited than anything else! The same goes for the day I met up with all the other girls for drinks and dinner. Looking back, this was a big step forward because I hated how anxious I would get sometimes, and now I feel like I can do whatever I want. I don’t care much that I may be 6’6” in heels, and don’t have a voice to match my appearance. This trip really made me focus on the important things, which is to enjoy the company one has around them, and I definitely did!
The positive experiences continued the next day when Hannah, my wife, and I got some makeovers done at an Ulta store by a wonderful makeup artist. But before we meet up at Ulta, I had to do some light makeup, which if you know me at all is a difficult thing for me to do. I love doing big bold eyes and generally makeup on the heavier side of things, but since I was getting makeup done I didn’t want to do my full treatment and I didn’t want to go without any makeup either. That being said, I was happy to learn that I could do a lighter look, something more appropriate for a daytime look. While Hannah was getting her makeup done at Ulta, I wondered around the store with a smile on my face. I was happy to be out in the world, doing everyday things, being the individual I wanted to be on that day, with great company in tow. What more could one ask for!
The absolutely biggest thing I learned or realized about myself came to me after we made it back home to Memphis. Going forward, getting all dressed up and having a day in at the house won’t mean as much as it once did. What I mean is now that I’ve pushed my comfort zone to new limits, what I used to do, just won’t do any more. There are new frontiers to explore as Katie and I hope to keep pushing myself with every opportunity that comes along.
One has to be confident and fill ones space to show the world we belong and we don’t have anything to be afraid about. It was great to have this feeling reaffirmed and pushed to new heights.
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Much love to all,
There’s nothing quite like the fall season, with everyone else in the country drinking their pumpkin spiced coffees, pumpkin beers, and other pumpkin flavored things that just aren’t for me. So what do I look forward to in the fall, well… the fashion, of course! 🙂
The fall season is the time when I get to dress up more, continue to build up the confidence I’ve been working on before the summer heat, and take advantage of the fall fashion deals! The fall season started with a fun outing to the Mid-South Pride event downtown Memphis, followed by an awesome performance by Jinkx Monsoon and capped by a couple of drinks at an Irish pub in the presence of a couple of co-workers. By the end of the night, I had spent about 12 hours in makeup, wondered around downtown (where there was also a performance of Disney’s Frozen on Ice, so lots of kids and parents), and built up my confidence as I held my head high while talking to new friends over a drink or two.
Today I got to play around with different outfit combinations as I reinforce the notion that women’s fashion is SO much more fun and interesting than guy clothes. It’s taken some time to find the styles that work best for my body and style, but now that I have a good idea of what I like, it’s so fun to play with outfits, especially when you can get a great deal on them.
I hope you all are having a great fall season out there and get to enjoy what’s just around the corner.
Those words from my four year old nephew, which will be explained shortly, but first things first, wow has it been a long time since I’ve written a blog post. So what’s happened since my last post, besides leaving it collect dust on the heap of forgotten blogs? Well, the biggest thing that’s taken place, and what’s consumed quite a bit of time is the fact that we searched for our first home, found it, bought it, moved into it, have been doing quite a bit of work in it, and now enjoying it.
Since my last post I’ve gotten some new ideas of things to write about as it relates to Katie in my everyday life. The first story has to do with video games. I’ve always enjoyed playing video games, having great memories as a kid waking up early on a weekend morning to play some Nintendo with my brother. Early on, whenever there was an option to choose a character, I would often go for the female role. In recent years I’ve created and played female characters in games like Skyrim and Animal Crossing and really get a kick out of it. One reason is the fact that I enjoy seeing female characters as the lead role, as the heroine, and of course I’m able to play as my alter ego in a way.
This leads to our new home. Once we moved, we bought a new gaming console in order to be able to play with my wife’s brother and his four year old son. Online gaming has been something I’ve shied away from because most of my friends don’t play games and I don’t like to play with complete strangers. But now that we have some family who are gamers, I wanted to connect with them more often, especially with my nephew through some games.
Minecraft is my nephew’s favorite game, a game where you can be whom ever you want and create anything you want. Just up my alley! So of course I choose to play as a girl, in this case a mermaid (how fun!). As soon as my nephew saw me in the game he said “why are you a girl?” and then “can you please change to a boy?”. It was a strange feeling. It was adorable and totally broke my heart at the same time. To realize that at age four, kids already know what gender roles to play in order to keep within societies rules, and the fact that my brother-in-law and his son don’t yet know about the real truth. The truth that I can’t stop my feminine side from expressing its self.
This strange feeling didn’t last long as I took it upon myself to disobey his request, I wasn’t going to change, and in fact I get a kick out of annoying him, in a fun way that is. Now that we’ve been playing online once or twice a week now for several months, he doesn’t even bring the issue up anymore. I guess we’ve just got to stick to our principles, and along the way help a four year old realize that you can play and be anyone.
Over the last month, having gone out in public twice as Katie (last night as Bloody Mary), the most important lesson I’ve learned is to “Own It”. If you set out to do something for yourself, be confident in what you do, and don’t let anyone get you down. Owning what you do has such a powerful affect on your attitude and those around you.
Last night was the first time in years that I’ve dressed up in a costume for Halloween. My costume of choice this year had to reflect the feminine side I’ve developed, and a need to satisfy my badass attitude I wanted to explore. As a fan of MissChievous on YouTube, I fell in love with her vampire tutorial, and I had my mind set on this look for months, as I worked on getting all the parts to build the outfit. A black leather jacket, with dark jeans, and a kick ass pair of Nine West black platform heeled boots. After pride, I spent a couple of weekends getting the makeup down, to the point I was happy with.
On Saturdays, my wife K, has nursing clinicals, which take up most of the day. The plan was for me to get ready at our apartment and meet K, along with some friends, downtown after they were done with their nursing stuff. This meant I had to get ready and drive downtown, alone. I was a little nervous, but I knew this is want I wanted and needed to do. After putting on the last part of my outfit, the black leather jacket, I had this amazing confident feeling flow over me. I was so happy with how I looked, I had no problem stepping out that door with my head held high, believing on who I was and what I was doing.
The night consisted of wondering downtown on Beale street, having some drinks, food, playing some darts (in my awesome boots), and going to some karaoke bars. Our group consisted of K (dressed as Katniss from the hunger games), myself, and a couple, one of who is a classmate with K. This couple have become good friends of ours and have been so respectful and open to me and Katie.
The one issue that came up last night was which restroom to use. I figured that since I was about 6’6″ with my boots on, I wasn’t fooling anyone, and to avoid making a scene, I used the men’s room. Luckily, most of the times I had to go, there weren’t many people around. The best part was the offer from our friends to kick anyone’s ass if they messed with me, which was a nice offer, and which luckily wasn’t needed.
In the end it was a great night. Many people stopped me in the street to ask for pictures, and complement me on my heels. I was proud I wore them all night long without complaining. I was confident stomping the streets and owning who I was, feeling like a badass, with no one getting in my way. If they did, I would have just bit them to death and drank their still warm blood. Muahahahaha!
Happy Halloween everyone,
Since January 2011, when K helped me buy my own makeup supplies, I’ve been diligently working on improving my makeup skills, and in the process, really appreciating makeup as an art (I spend lots of time going through Tumblr pictures, looking at some amazing work). Looking back at those first pictures I took in 2011 and comparing them to those I took this past weekend, I know that I’ve come a long way to learning who I am and becoming comfortable with myself, to the point of inviting friends over to our apartment to see Katie in person.
This past Sunday, after taking a couple weeks off from dressing (heat waves and wigs don’t mix 😦 ), I changed up my foundation routine, and was amazed at the difference it did for me. Since the beginning, covering my dark beard shadow was the biggest challenge I had going for me (in terms of appearance). It would just bring me down each time I would take pictures and see that beard popping through. I’ve tried MAC foundation, and Dermablend, but this weekend I finally found the combination of products that work best for me, and boy what big smiles it brought out of me. I found that a Maybelline Dream Smooth Mousse foundation, followed by a layer of BareMinerals foundation did the best job of all the products I’ve tried.
I spent Sunday in the apartment, taking a bunch of pictures (seems to be a common activity for crossdressers/gender queer), watching some sports, and above all, staying cool (with a fan and a martini 🙂 ). By the end of the day, my muscles were tired of smiling so much because I was so happy at the improvements I’ve made, even tearing up at times. These feelings are so much more than just the superficial improvements I’ve worked towards, it’s an increase in my confidence that brought out those smiles and tears.
I finally feel like I have the confidence to stand up for myself in so many ways. The outside confidant appearance only works to bolster the inner confidence. I feel like I am getting closer to the goals I’ve set out for myself at the beginning of the year, to the point that I’m running out of excuses to avoid venturing outside. Having that confidence, and a great group of supportive friends, really make overcoming those fears we share become easier to overcome.
Have a great rest of the week,