Doubt

As someone who is a natural introvert, the last couple of weeks have been quite a nice and healthy change to my normal routine.  My wife and I (as Katie) went to visit some good friends in Mississippi while also making some new ones, and we also went out to see a local theater group putting on a drag variety show, which was so much fun.

I usually get a chance to dress up as Katie 2-3 times a month, and over the last couple of years I’ve only been out on the town just a hand full of times.  I usually like going out as Katie with a group of close friends, as I like having that comfort and support of a group.  This of course is not always easy to schedule, especially when so many friends around us are nurses, who have all kinds of crazy schedules.

IMG_0726

Road trip!

When we made the plan to visit our good friend MP in Mississippi, someone who I came out to early on and has shown so much love and support, I brought up the idea of Katie making the road trip down, since it had been a long time since she had see her.  This trip would also give me a chance to meet MP’s boyfriend, N, who would be meeting Katie for the first time.  I was a little concerned about N’s reaction, even though MP had told her boyfriend about Katie, and he was totally cool with it. Even still, I was a little worried.  My concerns melted away as N and I had an awesome and deep conversation, talking about Katie and gender before the conversation moved to friendships, and finally food (since he’s a chef, yum!!).  This experience again instills the idea that when you talk to someone one-to-one, great things can happen, and new friendships can develop.

At this event, there was another good friend MM, who was new to Katie as well, but was completely supportive and lovely.  About 5 min away from arriving to the event, MP texted me saying that MM was bringing a guy to the party who no one had met before.  In the past this simple thing would have twisted my stomach up.  What would happen? What’s he going to think of me? But I didn’t mind, and told her that it was all good.  I was confident in myself (getting my makeup and outfit down pat really helps with that) and I was amongst good friends.

It's fun to be so inappropriate!

It’s fun to be so inappropriate!

When MM arrived with this new guy, I was again a little concerned.  When this guy introduced himself around the room, he came up to me and asked “what’s your name?”.  In the past, I would have said they could call me by my male or female name, I didn’t mind.  But this time I told this guy “you can call me Katie”.  It was quite an empowering experience actually, asserting myself like that.  After the introductions and the conversation with N we had a great time playing some Card Against Humanity, a great game for people who don’t mind being inappropriate. 😉

Before long, it was time to drive back home, but before we left we made plans with MP and MM to go to a drag variety show the following weekend.  We had plans to make an epic girl’s night out, with the idea of wearing my new red dress and favorite jacket.

Love this dress!!

Love this dress!!

So now fast forward a week and the preparations for the big night.  Unfortunately, our friend MP was really under the weather and couldn’t make the drive to Memphis.  Now it was just going to be my wife and I going to the show, which started to stress me out as worry started to settle in again; going out in public, just the two of us, not in the best part of town, at night, wearing a dress and hells.  I just hope that with the more I do go out, the easier it will be and the less stress I put on myself.  I worked myself up so much I had to make repeated trips to the bathroom.

In previous years, doubt might have gotten the best of me and I would have thought about either not going or not going as Katie, but this time doubt only got a piece of me.  I wasn’t going to wear that dress, I was going to wear something that I felt comfortable in.  At least I’m making some progress I guess….  Anyways, we made it to the theater, taking a moment to take a picture in front of a popular Memphis sign, and then heading into the show.  The lady taking the tickets said with a smile “how are you, gorgeous?”, which just made my day.  It was at this point that the worry melted away and I began to ask myself “why did I work myself up so much?”.  I really need to stop doubting myself so often and realize that there is nothing to worry about.

The show was amazing, with many beautify, talented, and hilarious local performers.  We really do have some amazing theater groups here in Memphis, many more than in other cities, and we were more than happy to support these groups.  After the show, we had to walk a couple of block back to the car, which again wasn’t without worry given the neighborhood, especially as we walked by a random guy walking down the sidewalk while loudly talking to himself.  Yikes!  We made it home safe and happy that we had watched a very entertaining show.

So, while I had a great time out to a friend’s house, and out to a show, I still have some work to do for myself.  I have to work on not doubting myself so much, and work on not always relying on the comfort of a large group, as it’s not something that we can often plan.  As a good friend would say, people with pitchforks aren’t going to hunt you down, and that was certainty not the case the last couple of weeks.  Instead of pitchforks, it was love.

Much love to you all,

Katie Amor

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About katieinthehall

I'm a rediscovered crossdresser in my early 30's looking to express my thoughts as I move through this journey of discovery.

Posted on March 28, 2015, in Be Yourself, crossdressing, Drag, Dress up day, Family/Friends, Fashion and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. What fun adventures! How wonderful to have so many nice and supportive people in your life. You hit the nail on the head, though. Going out is so fun and usually free of any problems I wonder why we worry in the first place!
    And you look gorgeous!

    Love, Hannah

    • Thank you, Hannah! You have shared so many wonderful stories of going out and enjoying yourself, with no reason to worry. I just have to keep reminding myself of that, and sooner or later it will be no big deal at all. I’m looking forward to the next adventure, enjoying some good company with amazing people. Stay confident, and beautiful, Hannah!
      Much love,
      Katie

  2. Katie that dress looks fantastic on you! Perhaps you’ll have to come up with a different excuse to wear it out somewhere, eh?

    By the way, it’s really great to see new posts from you again, I always enjoyed your writing. 🙂

    • Thank you, Ashley!! It’s great to be back and writing again, sharing of my thoughts and experiences from time to time. As for the dress, you know I will find a fun occasion to wear it out! 🙂 That’s another goal set to strive for.

  3. Hey Katie, I just recently came across your blog. I think it is great, please keep writing.

    • Thank you so much, Miranda! I’ll keep on writing as long as I’ve got some things to share, which I’ve got a couple of ideas rolling around in my head at the moment.

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