It could be the last thing…but it won’t be for me.

Spring is finally coming around and along with the warm sunshine, the negative baggage is starting to melt away, and replaced with some much needed confidence and positivity.  Since coming out to my mom last Christmas, we really haven’t talked about the issue much, we’ve dealt with it as if nothing ever happen, which I’m sure is not a healthy thing.  However, the last time we talked about my gender views a couple of months ago, in context of whether or not to tell my dad, things didn’t go quite well.  It just takes a simple sentence to throw you off for a month or two.  She told me that after much thought, it would be better to keep this information from my dad because it could be the last thing to kill him.   Not literally of course, but after about 15 years of some heavy family drama all around us, this might just be too much to handle, especially since I’m seen as the one who has worked hard to do all the right “normal” things in life.  The way she said it was almost factual, with no malice or negative intent, after taking her time to really analyze the situation.

After those words reached my ears I really wasn’t sure how to react, so I didn’t, and agreed that we would keep this information under wraps.  It was only after our conversation that those words started to affect me.  I unplugged.  I didn’t write anything for nearly two months.  I didn’t check-in with friends online.  I started to ask, “what’s the point”?  Why try to feel happy, or beautiful?  I once spend a couple of hours getting all glammed up, only to take it all off because I just wasn’t feeling it. I know that this is just the process of how I deal with negative emotions.  I go through the process of felling these emotions until I turn the corner and move past it.  Also, having a supportive wife and some close friends helped me re-realize that I am beautiful, and that there is no shame in loving myself again.

This all culminated with last night’s event.  I haven’t been out in public for a long time, and I had been looking for some good opportunities to go out and enjoy a night with my wife and friends.  A burlesque show hosted by a local LGBT group was that opportunity.  I felt that confidence grow once again, and we had an amazing night, watching some talented performers, and enjoying a martini or two, all in a friendly and supportive environment.  I even got to spend some time talking to a local drag queen, Iris Le’Fluer, who besides looking amazing in her outfits, was asking me if I ever thought about performing, which I was very flattered by.

I did learn some random things last night: lighting really sucks in bars/clubs, which no flash can help in taking a good picture; and I really need to learn how to do some styling on my wig to make it look more interesting.  New things to learn and do, what life’s all about I guess!

Happy spring and much love to all!

Katie

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About katieinthehall

I'm a rediscovered crossdresser in my early 30's looking to express my thoughts as I move through this journey of discovery.

Posted on March 30, 2014, in Be Yourself, Coming out, Drag, Dress up day, Family/Friends and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. Much love to you Katie!!!!! Beautiful post and person. Glad to see you are shedding ur negativity and blossoming into spring. We love you and love who you are. Stay true to yourself, thats the normal thing to do. Much love from your sister from another mister in Ohio… G-

    • Thank you G-man! G-Man Ohio? I love it! 🙂 Today is a beautiful spring day, and so far we’ve spent it outside enjoying what we can, and being thankful for what we have. Much love to you sista!

  2. First, you look amazing! I know that slumpy feeling and I’m glad you’re getting through it. Lots of virtual hugs coming your way. Stay strong.

  3. Glad to see you coming through this in a positive way! I think your wig looks great. So much I am thinking of getting one of the same time type. Stay beautiful, inside and out!
    -ValS

  4. You look amazing, I am happy you’re back. I just wish you lived closer!

    Love, Hannah

  5. Great to hear that you had a fun night out and feeling beautiful. You look amazing.

  6. So glad to hear you got out and about after a long and cold winter. I have had several bouts with negativity and lack of confidence myself but once you get past it it can definitely make you stronger. Good luck with everything. Have a great spring!
    –Teela

  7. Ya know, that was a pretty harsh thing for your mom to say. Really there is no way of telling how your father will take the news of you cross dressing. And while I applaud your mom for handling the news well in the moment that you told her, it isn’t really a sign of acceptance of you being normal if she then tells you that it might kill your father. Real or exaggerated it does nothing to help one feel accepted and normal. I am sorry, I don’t mean to talk poorly of your mother, it just seems as though her words were more than a bit harsh.

    Jules grew up as the one who never did anything wrong. The pressure of having to live up to her parents expectations that she be the “good” one has done a great deal of harm to her. It is a tough road to travel, and one that I don’t think is a child’s responsibility. All too often I hear of parents who expect their children to support them instead of them supporting their children.

    Sorry if I have been out of line. Everyone’s family is different and everyone has a different way of living and I am a nobody in that context. I just wish the very best for you, because from what I can see, you deserve it.

    Take care of you cutie! 🙂

    • Thank you Nadine for your input as I always appreciate your thoughts. It’s always refreshing to have a friend who can provide a different view point and context.

      It’s a weird situation to be in. On one hand my parents have been very supportive, pushing for us to have a better opportunity after moving to the US, wanting us to be happy in whatever we do. But, on the other hand finding it difficult to accept those choices that make us happy, and very rarely opening up emotionally. At the end of the conversation, she did admit that she could be completely wrong about my dad’s reaction, leaving the door open to talk about it further. It’s a work in progress, which I know will develop over time. At least the lines of communication are still there.

      K has been through a lot of drama with her mother over the last few years, and we feel that we’ve learned a lot from all our parents to hopefully make better decisions whenever we do decide to start our own family. I know that all parents make mistakes, but I hope that our mistakes will be different from our parents.

      Thank you again, Nadine. Much love to you,
      Katie

  8. Hope all is well.

  9. I just wanted to share something with you – hopefully it will brighten your day. I showed a picture of you from your ‘tale of 2 wigs’ post to a coworker. He thought you looked extremely hot and he doesn’t believe you are a CDer.

    Nicole

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