It could be the last thing…but it won’t be for me.
Spring is finally coming around and along with the warm sunshine, the negative baggage is starting to melt away, and replaced with some much needed confidence and positivity. Since coming out to my mom last Christmas, we really haven’t talked about the issue much, we’ve dealt with it as if nothing ever happen, which I’m sure is not a healthy thing. However, the last time we talked about my gender views a couple of months ago, in context of whether or not to tell my dad, things didn’t go quite well. It just takes a simple sentence to throw you off for a month or two. She told me that after much thought, it would be better to keep this information from my dad because it could be the last thing to kill him. Not literally of course, but after about 15 years of some heavy family drama all around us, this might just be too much to handle, especially since I’m seen as the one who has worked hard to do all the right “normal” things in life. The way she said it was almost factual, with no malice or negative intent, after taking her time to really analyze the situation.
After those words reached my ears I really wasn’t sure how to react, so I didn’t, and agreed that we would keep this information under wraps. It was only after our conversation that those words started to affect me. I unplugged. I didn’t write anything for nearly two months. I didn’t check-in with friends online. I started to ask, “what’s the point”? Why try to feel happy, or beautiful? I once spend a couple of hours getting all glammed up, only to take it all off because I just wasn’t feeling it. I know that this is just the process of how I deal with negative emotions. I go through the process of felling these emotions until I turn the corner and move past it. Also, having a supportive wife and some close friends helped me re-realize that I am beautiful, and that there is no shame in loving myself again.
This all culminated with last night’s event. I haven’t been out in public for a long time, and I had been looking for some good opportunities to go out and enjoy a night with my wife and friends. A burlesque show hosted by a local LGBT group was that opportunity. I felt that confidence grow once again, and we had an amazing night, watching some talented performers, and enjoying a martini or two, all in a friendly and supportive environment. I even got to spend some time talking to a local drag queen, Iris Le’Fluer, who besides looking amazing in her outfits, was asking me if I ever thought about performing, which I was very flattered by.
I did learn some random things last night: lighting really sucks in bars/clubs, which no flash can help in taking a good picture; and I really need to learn how to do some styling on my wig to make it look more interesting. New things to learn and do, what life’s all about I guess!
Happy spring and much love to all!