What a weekend this was. On Friday night, I got dressed up, practiced my makeup, and spent the night with K in the apartment. The weather was a little cool for this time of year, especially Friday night. I was starting to have thoughts of going outside for a drive. I was starting to get the thought in my head of the things I needed. I got some comfy black flats, got my IDs, and cell phone. I kept peering through the blinds, looking out at the parking lot and thinking if I should do it. It’s a busy apartment and you hear lots of doors opening and closing, cars pulling in and out. I told K that I was thinking about going out for a drive, then she asked where I was going to go, which I hadn’t thought much about.
We ended up spending the night indoors, watching some tv and making some dinner, having avoided facing the challenges that lay outside. I spent the night thinking about how I’ve taken little steps from time to time. First it was telling K that I wanted to get dressed up, then telling one friend about Katie, then several. Then it was starting this blog, which has opened me up to a whole new world where i’m not alone with my thoughts, and where I am able to get a better grasp of who I am and where I’m going. Then, this past weekend it was about making some initial plans to walk through that apartment door and go into a public world. Some people like to dive right in, I guess I like to take the little steps to build that confidence. At least I know I’ve come a long way from where I started a year and a half ago.
On Saturday, we decided to go out for our anniversary dinner to an awesome restaurant built in an old beauty salon. Since the weather was perfect, we ate outside and watched people walk by as groups of friends went in and out of the bars and restaurants nearby. I noticed myself looking at the ladies dressed up for the night, and I realized that unlike just about every guy out that night, I wasn’t “checking them out”, I was checking out their outfits and thinking how they would look on me. I then had the sudden realization that I couldn’t remember when I first had those kinds of feelings. There were several times K and I would look at the outfits, and make our comments. It was a nice bonding/learning experience.
On the ride home we talked about gender terms, about the friends I’ve made online, and about how I view myself. We talked about some plans we have with some friends in Mississippi, one who is interested in doing some crossdressing. All in all, it was a positive weekend, and with some rough plans for later this year, I may be able to write about my first time out on the town with friends, as Katie. 🙂
Have a great week.